timandfee

I have to say that having 2 kids 18 months apart is damn hard work in these early days.   Some of my friends did tell me, but i guess i did not believe it.  Some others did not seem to have any troubles at all….or so it seemed from the outside.   I will freely admit that both tim and i are finding it hard going, but luckily we have loads of support which makes it manageable and gives us some time to recharge.  We have even gone to dinner alone!

My little man is 1 month old, and time is indeed flying.   I would love to say he is an easy baby, but i cant-  For 2 weeks he slept most of the day, and Alina was good around him all considered.  Then he slept less and fussed more.  To be honest he cries a lot.  I feel so sorry for him at times, he cant tell me what is wrong, and i cant always figure it out.   He is what is called fussy in some books, but I am convinced that I can do things to change this, I just need to figure out what!

Right now, he often cries when he wakes up, when he is hungry, when he wants to be held,when we change him, when we bath him, and when he has to burp or poo - the good news is that he stops crying quickly once he is picked up.  His cry is like him saying “hey i am here?” and at other times  ”what´s happening??.  He does have a witching hour in the evening (or sometimes in the middle of the night), when it seems that he is in pain and it is harder to sooth him . i suppose this could be colic.  The things that worked to sooth Alina dont really work with him- swaddling (he hates it most of the time), hairdryer and white noise (no affect), soother (works only sometimes), singing (not a hope).  It seems that he is sensitive and just wants to be held and reassured.

As I mentioned in another post, he also feeds a lot more then Alina.  He was feeding maybe every 2.5 or 3 hours during the day, but often every hour or hour and a half at night.  The last 2 days this is better though, and I have gone from about 11 feeds per day to 8 or 9.  He can even do 4 hour stretches now.

Now the good news.  By holding him constantly, he is actually very quiet.  I am sure the friends who has met us out think he is perfect!  So it means that he is mostly in my, or someone elses arms at the moment.  I have started to use a sling which at least keeps my hands free.  Also at night, he is often in with us…or in fact, in with me, as he kicks his dad out regularly! And i have to admit, i kind of like sharing my bed with him!  Even so, getting more then 2 hours sleep in a row is a real luxury.  Nut with me in the bed, we both sleep late (i confess i am seldom dressed before 1) and so i am not exhausted.

Alina is good with him, but also nervous.  In the past week she has not been herself, as if realising that this little thing is not going away like it should have, and maybe is here to stay!  She has sometimes even taken to crying like him!!

Through all this, I do know that I am very fortunate -  tim feeds and minds me and alina, and loida takes care of alina during the day, letting me have a shower and eat (i have been eating like a pig  - way too much rubbish)!  We also have had some great help from Griet and Meme (who is here at the moment).  Be warned though, we tend to wear our guests out!

My overriding emotion at the moment though, is that I feel lucky, Alina is cuter then ever these days, mimicking everyone in every language!!  And she will be a great big sister.  We just need to mind her now, even when she is driving us mad!   As for “cuca”, he is so cute that i can forgive him the new grey hairs and bags under my eyes!  I also know time flies, so i want to enjoy these days with him, as soon he wont be an infant anymore.  And despite my moaning above, i am loving my time at home with the two, and consider myself very blessed.

I feel like a walking boob!  All i seem to be doing is either feeding, leaking, expressing, or if doing none of those milking related tasks, i am holding my son near the boob so that he is calm.  Of course i would be lying if i said my day is all about boob…i also get to change 8 poopy nappies….and that is just Luca!  I have become an expert on left handed writing and eating.  I have also the ability to sleep anywhere - but this has resulted, not surprisingly, in back ache.  So yes, my day seems to now be a combination of the following things:

• Boob activity (need i say more)
• Changing nappies
• Cleaning up baby vomit - often from myself
• Changing bibs and clothes
• Making the shushing noise
• Walking around jiggling my son in my arms
• Playing endless baby and toddler CD´s - for Luca to relax him, and for Alina to wear her out!
• Trying to step around  the obstacle course that has become my home

In between this i look for a new flat, eat biscuits, and drink tea - some teas i hate but drink as they are supposed to help Luca to burp!

I do have to thank the sun, moon and stars that I have a husband who feeds me, and loida who washes clothes and dishes and lets me go to the loo alone!!!

Life, when will you be mine again????

Yesterday we had our first meeting with our new pediatrician, Dr. Fuast.  He had come recommended from a good few friends.  He confirmed what I had suspected, our son is healthy, putting on weight, and is a sensitive baby!

For the first two weeks (so up to yesterday basically) our little man pretty much  just slept.  He was sleeping 22 maybe every 23 hours per day. However even then you knew he was a sensitive baba, at least in comparison to his big sis.   He woke and cried for a feed, and then feel asleep on the boob.  He cried when been changed, but calmed quickly when he was picked him up.  He has problems burping, and tends to spit up a bit, but not like Alina who tended to vomit quite a but after a feed.

Alina….when you have a really good first baby, you tend to compare.  Alina ate every 3 to 4 hours, every 5 hours at night, pretty much right from the start.  She seldom cried, and went to bed fairly easily with a soother.  She ate quickly, was awake a lot during the day but lay there quite happily, and went to bed at 8pm. waking just twice before 8am the next day from 2 weeks.

Luca is different.  He cries loudly when he is being changed, and does not like the water.  Everything he eats, comes out the other end.  He is very hard to burp, yet you cant put him lying down after a feed as it hurts.  He eats less then Alina, and more often, 8 to 10 times per day, sometimes at night after an hour and a half, but during the day it is minimum 2 hours and can be 3.5 between feeds.  He sleeps more during the day then at night, his witching hour is 9 to 11pm,  which has actually worked out well for Alinas transition.   He likes to be held, especially by me.  At night if he sleeps with me, every0ne gets a good nights rest, but he is not the best for sleeping in his bed!  He can sometimes lie quietly in his bed though, and drift off to sleep without a soother.  And he goes easily from being upset, to being relaxed and calm once he is in the arms.  But basically any change to his environment starts him crying, and not a little cry, a full on “what the hell is happening?” cry!

I am very lucky to have Loida for a lot of the day to take Alina or Luca, and Tim is around also.    I really do not think i could manage the 2 of my own well…..and i admire all my friends who do it!

It is early days and i dont know what our little man will be like next week.   I have to admit though, i love staring s at him.  And at night when he is fast asleep in my arms, i dont mind that he will not sleep on his own - it feels kinda cool to have someone so dependent on you, and to have such a bond that when i hold him and talk to him, he can stop crying and just look happy to be with mama

Luca De Somere

What´s in a name? Well seeing as you are stuck with it all your life, then quite a lot rides on what your parents decide to call you.  And what a stressful choice it can be to make! In our case most of the stress came before  our little one was born, well it was my stress, tim had no stress at all!  For 8 months i was so sure i was having  girl that i did not give boys name a thought.  Then in month 9 doubt began to creep in, not least because many people who were good at this prediction stuff said it was a boy….in fact nearly everyone did.  Still it took me until 5 days before D day to actually face facts and start to research and call out boys names to my beloved husband.  Before that i had one boys name i liked, but tim did not, so we were basically starting from scratch.

A friend later asked if it was true that we had no name for the new arrival for 2 days, and that in the end we let Alina name him….and yes in a way that is exactly what happened.

As the world probably knew, i was  very stressed because i had no boy names in the last week, we had a few choices for girls, but nothing for a boy.  However the day before I went into hospital I was thinking we have a few good choices for boys names but i am not sure about for girls…luckily we did not need to worry about that.  The night before we went into hospital was also the night that Tim made a concession - he told me that maybe Luca was not such a bad name and it could be added back to the list - he had said no since i decided it was the name i preferred.  So our final list and the reason for his name is:

Andreas - this was the final name on the short list with Luca, Alina went with Luca.

Vincent - Tim´s  favourite.  Problem was every Irish person who heard the name said Vinnie, which i did not like.

Ben - i really like this name, tim only liked it.  In the end we thought it was a bit popular.

Oscar - love it, but I know quite a few Oscars and would have liked something more original.

Marius - original and lovely name, but did not suit our little man

We had previously disregarded Edgar and Lawrence.

Luca - I initially loved Lucas, but thought it was a bit common and when i thought about Luca, I preferred that.  It is strong, not common, the same in every language, and goes well with De Somere and Alina.  A friend of ours son is named Luca so this was how I knew the name.  My one doubt when I saw him, is that Luca is an Italian name, and our son looked quite definitely Irish.  But now I love his full name, and think it suits him perfectly.

So on Thursday I was thinking about  both Andreas and Luca , and sometimes Vincent, Ben and Oscar!  I preferred Luca, and Tim was happy with that, but I was not 100% until Alina came in and met him.  We gave her two names, she immediately said “Cuca” and the rest as they say is history.

Now we only need to finalise his second name…..:-)

I was not really sleeping the nights before D day.  Having been so worried about the date the baby was going to be born, and the name, I was now just hoping that everything would go alright and the baby would be healthy.  Everything else did not matter any more.  The worry was intermingled with excitement thought - was it a boy or a girl??

At 8am we went to the hospital, I had packed my bag the night before and all the grandparents, plus Ailbhe, were here taking care of Alina and awaiting the new arrival.  By 8.05 I was registered and had a room, and by 8.15 I was in the hospital gown and with Tim in a little room off the operating theatre.  I had hoped that Tim would be able to come into the theatre with me, but there was no hope.  This was not Dexeus, and I was not in labor for 2 days!  At 8.30 the mid wife came in -  we had met her before ad felt very comfortable with her.  I was then wheeled into the theatre, nervous as hell kissing tim goodbye.

However once in, things changed;  I saw my doc - the amazing Dr. Damian Dexeus (have I told everyone he is the best gynecologist in the world!!) and met the team.  The anesthetist was lovely, the assisting Doc was Damians old boss and also really nice, and everyone seemed relaxed, in control and happy…yes happy!  I guess it rubbed off on me.  At 8.45 I got the epidural.  And from then on the nerves were gone, it was replaced with just excitement.  I wanted so much to know the sex!  Even my doc did not know it, he had decided not to find out in case I managed to get the information from him, and so he had told everyone in the room that we did not know the sex…something very unusual in Spain.  This meant that when half an hour later they were taking the baby out (at 9.17am), the whole room was looking to see if it was a boy or a girl. Someone said, it´s a “ninito”, just before Damian said in English, “it´s a boy”.  I wont forget the feeling.  I was just awash with happiness.  They held him up, and this purple baby started roaring crying and i knew he was just fine.  By 10am, I was up in my room, with Ailbhe and Tim beside me, my son eating from my boob, and a phone in my hand  spreading the good news.

In the beginning babies look quite wrinkly, and i have to say not the cutest.  I remember what the doc said when they put him on my chest - “he looks like his dad”, and “his skin is Irish!”  Both were true.  But back in my room looking at him, i thought he was also the most perfect baby i had ever seen.  I just could not take my eyes off him.

As for having a cesarean, it was the weirdest thing - I had no pain.  After the last time, it was a god send.  No stress, fast and pain free.  In the days after I was sore, worse then after Alina as they had stitched the muscle wall as well as the opening, but overall it was actually a much more positive experience then i had imagined.  Of course it helped that I trust my doc and he is just fab at making everything feel right.

Mostly though, I will always remember the feeling I had when they said it was a boy. I was not surprised, something i thought i would be if it was a boy.  I was just consumed with happiness.  And I knew it was exactly what was met to be.  Looking at him, I was instantly in love.  And I felt infinitely lucky to have 2 of the most beautiful children in the world.

For someone who normally sleeps like a baby, insomnia is a very unpleasant reality during later stages of pregnancy. Sitting here, at 4.45am having been awake for 3 hours is a right pain in the a**. I am particularly jealous of my peacefully snoring husband beside me (I confess I have poked him a bit harder then necessary to get him to stop snoring!). I’ve been in to check on Alina at least 4 times -  it’s cold and our little daughter kicks off her blankets during the night. So am currently propped up in the dark bedroom, with my chamomile tea and 3 biscuits, having plenty of time to reflect on why i am sitting up awake!!

I have less then 3 weeks to go to met my new son or daughter. Firstly I have to admit I found it very stressful thinking about what day the baby should come. I knew from the beginning I would need to have another cesarean, and was happy enough with that. However my doc recommended to have it as soon as the baby was full term i.e. 38 weeks. This would have been a full 4 weeks and 2 days before Alina made an appearance and that really scared me! I love my doc, and I’ll do what he says, but I really want to keep the baby inside as long as I can! I don’t for a second think I’ll go into labour naturally - having done everything possible to get alina out naturally, I believe I’m like my mum who for all 7 of us was induced at 41 weeks. Now the doc and I have agreed a date of the 28th of January, which is when i get to 39 weeks. I won’t have confirmation of that until next week when I have another scan, but all going well (which I really believe it will), the baby will be born on that day. While I personally would love to push it to february 1st, I think my doc, and more importantly Tim, would not have the patience :-). Of course in an ideal world I would love this baby to decide when they would like to join us, but the “rules” are quite specific here in relation to 2nd cesareans, in particular when there is not 2 years between deliveries and the baby is big (which is my case). I can tell you it’s weird thinking about what date you would like your child born…and it has definitely contributed to my sleepless nights.

I also find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking about the baby’s name, or lack of it! I have questioned our decision not to find out the sex in the past weeks!! While we have now started looking at names, and indeed have some names for a girl, we have nothing for a boy. And maybe more importantly, I don’t feel we have got the “perfect” name yet. Of course in my case I won’t feel we have the perfect name until I have our baby in my arms and try it out for size, but I want to be a bit more prepared then the last time - when literally I took one look at Alina and knew no name on the list was suitable, but I had no idea what was. (Thanks again to Johanna for giving us the name. I still love it and think it’s suits our little Princess perfectly.) Hopefully we’ll be as happy with whatever name we decide for no.2. And before that I’m crossing fingers that we’ll at least have a list of boys and girls names that both of us love.

This time around I am also a lot busier at work, and have not had time to buy the needed baby “equipment”.  I finish work next Friday and will have just over one week to spend time with Alina, connect with this baby, catch up on missed sleep and shop for everything we need. I have not even looked at the shops for clothes - as Alina was born in July we really don’t have much for this little one to wear…plus what we have is pink which may or may not be suitable!  We still need to get the double pram, some blankets and all the new born baby stuff (nappies, creams etc) - luckily I’m going to have my mum and Ailbhe here for a few days before the birth, and I’m sure they’ll be dying to help with the shopping.

Another thing on my mind is the flat.  And how we’ll fit.  We need to clear out “stuff” and organise our place better fast! I have been bugging Tim a lot to help organise thnigs, but he is a guy, and in the end will only do specific jobs based on specific instructions.  Even then he’ll probably “get it wrong” in my hormonal pre pregnancy brain!!

Apart from all the things to do and decide, i have the normal pre-baby-arrival nerves.  Will my baby be healthy? is the main question i often find floating through my dreams.  Will he/she be as good as Alina was?  Will i cope?  These questions don’t have answers, but keep me awake none the less.

Speaking of which, I really should attempt to sleep, a task made harder now as the baby is moving around a lot. Guess I should not have eaten those damn biscuits!!

And so we say goodbye to a decade.    As is my way, I feel the need to share some of memories that come to mind from the 2000´s:

• New Years Eve 1999 - 2000.  A feeling of wow.  Feeling young and excited about a new century.  First time i was hanging out with so many of my family.  I also remember it as the last major party with the old crew, Dave, Matt, Lorraine and more.
• Tim and I moving in together
• The move to Barcelona ( Aug 2001)
• Rabipelao - the place where we hung out so much to begin with and where so many friendships and great night started
• Getting a job, and meeting the girls
• Trips to Ireland, where meeting with family and friends was nearly always a big night
• Buying our home (2004)
• Going back to Ireland for 6 months - reconnecting.  Helping dad.  Living with my folks.  All in all a fantastic experience
• Weddings…Dave and Niamh, Lorraine and Steve, Laura and Heiko starting it off and then babies popping out
• Getting married to the man I love (July 2006) with all my friends and family around.
• Dad´s accident - may not be a pleasant memory but it is a powerful one
• Deciding to stay in Barcelona having been at a cross roads….realizing i had made wonderful friends here
• 5 week honeymoon in South America (July 2007) and traveling to new places - we go to at least one new country a year which is cool
• Getting pregnant and during this time, feeling more special and loved then ever
• Having Alina, my greatest achievement and biggest gift
• Friends - feeling very lucky to be surrounded by so many fantastic people
• Christmas´s in Ballyhard - I grew to love Christmas and going home so much over this decade.   Wonderful family time.  And now Alina adds to that
• Getting pregnant with no 2

Thinking just about 2009, I would describe it as  a year of growth. Seeing Alina grow.  Seeing so many of my friends get married or get pregnant or change something significant in their lives.  Seeing tim amd I grow as parents,  and find our new balance moving from a family of 2 to 3 and then a family of 3.5.  I had a great, if busy, year.

On this the first day of 2010 I feel very lucky.   All of my family were together for a great Christmas.  Everyone in tim and my families are healthy.  We all love being around each other.    We dont have money or work worries like so many have.  Of course we have stress, but we have jobs that by and large we enjoy, and that gives us a very comfortable life.  Alina is a joy for us, her grandparents and even her aunts and uncles.  She is a beautiful,  happy and has the world at her feet.  I am still madly in love with my husband.  I have wonderful friends.   And we have a new very special gift coming in just 4 weeks - my pregnancy has been great, and I am so looking forward to meeting this new life, although i would be lying if i did not add i think 2010 will be quite challenging with 2 little ones!  I feel more balanced as a person - aware more of how to manage my stress, less unsure about my path, happy to live more in the moment.  I feel older, but not necessarily in a bad way, i feel wiser and more fulfilled.  Thinking about it, despite being a bit or a hormonal wreck currently, I am very happy. And yes lucky.

Looking forward, I am excited.  There are of course uncertainties - am i having a boy or girl is a big one!!! Will we have any names decided? Will i (we) be able to manage well when we have 2 little ones? Will Alina adjust to the new arrival easily?Where will we be living this time next year?  Will i ever get my boobs back? :-)  Will everyone be together again in Ballyhard next year?  Will i be able to live more in the now and develop more as a person for me? Will everyone i love have a healthy and happy 2010?  But excitement, not uncertainty,  is the key emotion i feel right now.

So hello 2010¨s.  I look back at a decade where i had a lot of fun, freedom and adventure.  I loved the last decade.  But i am not lonely for those years.  I look forward with positivity, and excitement.  And i have a really good feeling that 2010 will be a great year.

I love Christmas. It is my favourite time of the year. This year it will be a very different, as i will not be going home to Ballyhard - nothing to do with the fact that i will be 34 weeks pregnant - we had a fire in my parents house some months ago, not that much damage and we got everything out, but it means that the house is under renovation and not available to be the gathering centre it normally is.   Finally my mum gets her wish…for years she has been saying “maybe next year we will go away for Christmas”, we laughed and said no way, but with no house this year we had to do something different and in the end we are all going to Lanzarote.

I am sorry about that - i LOVE going to ballyhard for Christmas - mum has the house amazing (a lot of work, which is mainly why she wants to get away), the decorations are beautiful, the fires are on in every room, the Christmas music is playing softly, the fridges are FULL of yummy food, and eveyone comes home and is in great form.   Last year everyone was there - all 7 kids, the folks, my aunt Kay and tim - and we had an new arrival: Alina. She even got up and joined in the christmas night party (about 30 of the family and extended family packed into the sitting room singing basically).

We normally leave Balyhard much fatter, and much happier after 5 or 6 days and head to Belgium for New Year.

But this year it is different, we are going to the Canaries and then because of my pregnancy we come back to Barcelona for New Years.   On the 25th of December instead of hoping for snow, we will be hoping for sun.  I am a traditional girl at heat, i like the cold at Christmas!  But  at least we are all together and more importantly Santa is back after an absence of more then 15 years!

Christmas is so exciting for children, and while Alina does not fully grasp what is going on, it is still magical to see how amazed she is by the lights, and how weirded out she is by the “Santa´s” standing in the shop entrances!

I have been playing Christmas songs, we have the tree, and her room has 2 Santas, among other things! With me as a mum, the poor child has no choice but to be absorbed into the Christmas swing of things - like it or not!!  I love taking her around the shops, buying presents, showing her the trees and lights, and watching her amazed little face.

Christmas for me is about family.  And I am SOOOO looking forward to seeing everyone together - in the end it does not matter where we are, i just love us all hanging out. Another year where we are lucky enough to still be alive, in great health, and able to enjoy the silly season.  I will miss catching up with my friends mind you.

I hope that Alina will come to love the season as much as I do, and more importantly I hope that Christmas is as much about family - having fun, talking, singing, and generally hanging out - as it is for me.  I wish for her the butterflies and joyfulness i experience just thinking of Christmas day.  And i also wish that we are able to have many more years together, wherever they will be.

It hit me suddenly yesterday that we’re not young any more! With dread I googled when age Middle Age is supposed to start from - I was seriously hoping it was not 35! But no, I’ve 5 years to go yet…only 5 mind you.

I remember my mum at 35, she seemed so oooold, not to mention the fact that she’s had 7 kids by my age, yes that’s right SEVEN…..I suppose it’s no wonder she looked old to my 11 year old eyes. Although if I’m honest, mum looked really  fab in her mid - late thirties (wish i looked as good in fact).

I was trying to talk to my beloved husband  about this sudden getting old realization, but he continued snoring - for the record i reckon he may have a mid life (at age 40) crisis…hopefully it´ll be the mild “i want to own a fast motorbike kind”

Thinking about it, in the past I was often planning the next adventure, thinking about where i could go next, or what i should do - these days I’m a lot more occupied in the present, or at least short term future, it´s more the “did i bring nappies? when do i need to feed her? how many weeks pregnant am i again?”.

I don’t have any exotic travel plans - for years either I was dreaming about, or actually going to, far off lands. This year the most exotic place I’ll be is Lanzarote with all my family, an amazing travel dream is the thought of having an afternoon or a night away somewhere nearby!

And we can´t get the old times back.  There is a twinge of sadness when i think of college summers been long behind me, the feeling that i could go and discover this great wide world, no ties, opportunities all around. Of course there are things i don´t miss about that age - rummaging for pennies behind the couch to buy a pint of milk (or a pack of fags), sleeping on floors, drinking some awful wine from the bottle, always been broke, and also the insecurity of not  having any idea what i was going to do with myself when i grew up…

So here I am, living in a foreign city i love, with our own place, a decent job, a husband, a beautiful daughter and another baba on the way, actually feeling very happy and privileged with my lot….in fact if i had dreamt of this life for myself when i was younger i am sure i would have been ecstatic  But i guess since having Alina i also see how fast time is going.  And the feeling is strong that there is so much more i need to discover, and that even if i am loving life, i could be living and loving it more.  So maybe the main thought is not that i am nostalgic for past times, or worrying about old age, but more that i need to make the most out of times present…as time is fleeting.